


Seeking Oblivion

by forkflinger



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergence, Gen, Spoilers - Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-10
Updated: 2018-12-10
Packaged: 2019-09-15 10:01:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16931178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/forkflinger/pseuds/forkflinger
Summary: For Roxas to live, Xion had to die. She knew it was right, and she was prepared to let him strike her down. But something inside her refused to go down without a fight, and it all went wrong.-----------What if Xion had defeated Roxas at the end of 358/2 Days?





	Seeking Oblivion

She’d meant to die.

It was the only option left for her. She was no one, even more so than the Nobodies who’d created her. A shell of a shell, and her very existence was destroying the people most important to her. There was only one way out now. 

But she couldn’t take it.

Something inside her clung shamefully to life. It couldn’t have been a heart. Maybe it was the instincts of her miserable fake body. Maybe Xemnas’s reprogramming had overwritten whatever will she might have thought she had. But when she faced Roxas, and steeled herself for him to strike her down and end it all, she fought back. And she won.

It shouldn’t have ended this way, with Roxas bleeding on the pavement. She could feel herself getting stronger as his life ebbed, feel her chest swelling with breath as his slowed. If she’d had a heart, it would be breaking. 

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, cradling him in her lap. The armor had fallen away, and she wondered who she looked like now. Who did he see, as he gazed up with dull eyes? She stroked his cheek. “I’m sorry.”

He blinked, slowly, labored. His lips moved as a last gasp of air escaped them. “Xion… we…” A shaky hand reached up, but before it could reach her, it fell to his chest. It was done.

She stayed there, holding his body until it disappeared, dissolving into smoke. The blood that pooled around them faded like a stain bleached by sunlight. She stared at her hands for a long while, but there were no bloodstains on her gloves or her coat. She had absorbed him, just as she was told. No trace remained.

She’d been told this would complete her, but the emptiness in her chest loomed raw and red. Roxas was dead at her hand because she’d been too much of a coward to just die. There were others, too, doomed by her existence. A boy asleep in a pod who would never wake, a girl who’d forgotten her dearest friends, others trapped within hearts and struggling against darkness and all hopeless now, all completely lost, and none of them even knew it yet. They’d all keep going until one by one despair snuffed out their lights. And more on top of that, dozens, maybe hundreds of worlds on the verge of destruction. Their rescuers would never come.

All so a puppet could live.

Tears streamed down her face, but she barely felt them. They didn’t seem like anywhere near enough. The scream that ripped from her throat was closer, loud and painful. This was grief, the closest thing she’d ever felt to a real emotion, and she’d already forgotten what it was like to live without it burning her alive.

Eventually the screaming stopped, her treacherous cowardly body shutting it down without her input. The tears dried. Her legs ached from kneeling on the cobblestone, and she gave in to their demands and climbed to her feet. The city stretched before her, twilight giving way to dusk. Her body was issuing commands that she just didn’t have the will to protest, and she wandered. 

Night. If things were right, she’d be returning to headquarters side by side with her best friends, the sweet taste of ice cream on her lips and the memory of sunlight on her skin. Instead she was here, slumped against a wall in an alley. How many times had she been to this city? Always at sunset. How could it feel so foreign, just because night had come? How could darkness warp these streets so?

The echo of her boots on cobblestone was replaced by the crunch of dried leaves. The buildings disappeared; trees surrounded her. She knew these woods. Before her appeared the stone wall with a wrought iron gate that blocked off the decrepit mansion. She stayed back, just out of sight behind the tree line. 

She could walk through the gate, find Namine or Riku or DiZ. Any of them would end it for her, finish her off for Sora’s sake. It didn’t need to be painless. If she was lucky, she’d disappear completely. This horrible throbbing weight in her chest would vanish, and she’d never feel again. No one would die for her.

But Roxas already had.

That same sickening impulse that had struck him down also stopped her from stepping out into the clearing. She’d wanted to live badly enough to kill her best friend, to drain the life from his body and take it for herself. His blood ran through her veins now, and she couldn’t bring herself to spill it again.

The will to live and the urge to die pinned her between them, there in the shadow of an oak. The night was silent, quiet enough to hear her own hated heartbeat.. There were no lights in the mansion.

Eventually, there was a sound. Footsteps rustled through the leaves behind her. She didn’t turn around, hoping whatever approached might just run her through and save her. Instead of a weapon, though, a word pierced her. 

“Roxas?”

She froze. The hood on her long coat covered her head, and they had been so similar in build. It wasn’t surprising that Axel didn’t know who he had found. His hand landed on her shoulder and tugged, turning her to face him. She looked up from the shadow of her cloak, steeling herself for the twist in his face when he realized it was just her.

It didn’t come. Instead, he sighed in relief. “There you are,” he said, knocking the hood down. “Do you know how late it is? You had me worried.”

Xion blinked. She was still Xion. Even in the dark, it should have been clear to him that Roxas wasn’t here. But he just looked down at her with clear green eyes and a gentle smile. “You all right? What’s up?”

A chill filled Xion’s chest. Of course. All she had ever been was the reflection of another. Her face changed depending on who looked at her, shifting to fit whatever void in their heart it could fill. Roxas had seen her with dark, fine hair and the body of a girl, because those were qualities pulled from the memories that created her. Now, something else had overwritten those memories. Of course this would happen. She wondered if she looked like Roxas to everyone now, or if Axel was just seeing what he wanted to see.

“What are you even doing out here?” he was saying, looking around. “This place is bad news.”

“Do you know why I’m here?” she asked. Her voice was raspy, but it sounded deeper than she remembered.

Axel shrugged. “How should I know? You’re the one who didn’t come home. And here I find you wandering around in the woods.” He leaned down, peering close at her face. “Everything okay?”

So the memories of Xion had disappeared after all. She looked down, dodging his inspection. Even though she had won, even though she had lived, Axel had forgotten her. But maybe that was for the best. She loved Axel just as much as she loved Roxas, as much as a puppet could love anyone, but he’d always preferred Roxas. If he’d had to lose one of them, she knew which one would hurt more.

Axel draped a long arm over her shoulders. “C’mon, let’s get you home.” He exaggerated a yawn. “I’m sure we’ll have some dumb mission first thing in the morning, and I’m beat.”

Xion nodded, not quite trusting herself to speak. She wasn’t sure she could imitate Roxas for long, but she knew she had to make it last as long as she could. She’d killed her best friend tonight. If she could keep her other best friend from knowing, if she could spare him that pain - she’d do anything. So she let Axel guide her through the corridors of darkness and into the bright stark hallways of their headquarters. He kept a hand on her, resting lightly on her shoulder or gently pressed against her back. She snuck a look up at him. Was he worried? Did he know? Did he expect her to run? He just looked tired. His hand was warm.

He finally lifted his hand when they stopped in front of a door. “Try and get some sleep,” he said with a more genuine yawn. “A couple hours is better than nothing. I’ll see you in the morning.” He ruffled her hair and smiled, a gentle little smile that wasn’t for her. “G’night, Roxas.”

“Good night,” she answered, quietly. Once he walked away she pushed open the door and stepped through. This wasn’t her room. She stood there, not touching anything, trying not to so much as breathe. Everything in here, even the air, belonged to Roxas. Her body, her damn body, demanded rest, preferably in that nice soft bed, but it was Roxas’s bed, not hers, none of this was hers and she didn’t belong here and she killed Roxas and she should be _dead_. She sobbed and sank to the floor, curling up on herself, trying to take up as little of Roxas’s space as she could. She’d taken so much already: his face, the breath in his lungs, the light in his eyes. And the small smile from Axel meant just for him.

She sat in the dark, hugging her knees. For her to live, so many would have to suffer and die. She just wasn’t worth it. But if she died now, then Roxas would have died for nothing, and Axel would lose everything. If only she’d been strong enough to die sooner. That had been the right thing to do. Now she was lost.

The only decision she could make was that she needed to get out of this room. She rose to her feet, ignoring her body’s protests because it deserved every bit of agony she could cause. After peeking out to make sure Axel was gone, she stepped into the hallway, closing the door carefully behind her. With no goal, she found herself stepping back out into the night.

Outside this stark white building, The World That Never Was was dark and disorienting. Buildings jutted out at unreasonable angles, dark masses outlined in glaring neon. The sky was clouded over and rain splattered everywhere, pooling on the cobblestones and running down her back. There were no people here, and there probably never were. Just a nightmare tangle of broken geometry and garish neon lights.

Xion forced herself to walk, muscles stretching beyond their limits. She climbed the most treacherous outcroppings of steel and brick, and stared into neon lights until her eyes burned. Every step through this city was torture, and she did everything she could to make it worse. 

She gradually became aware of the pack of Heartless trailing her. They slunk through shadows, staying almost out of sight, but the sensation of yellow eyes on her back gave them away. She would let them chase her until their patience grew thin and they attacked, and she would see how much damage they could do.

Xion stepped out into an open plaza. A skyscraper loomed overhead, blasting neon lights up nearly beyond sight. The Heartless were closing in, restless in the shadows. A figure in a black robe stood at the base of the tower. They were too short to be Axel, and that was the only small mercy she could have hoped for. She ran through the ranks of remaining Organization members, wondering who could be waiting for her in this empty city. Would they kill her?

The Heartless, tempted by another victim, broke ranks and poured into the square. Both Xion and the figure turned to face the horde. Her heart wanted to let them tear her to shreds, but her body betrayed her for survival once again. The Keyblade appeared in her right hand without being called. Her left hand gripped an unfamiliar weight. She looked down and found a second Keyblade, and tasted bile in the back of her throat as she recognized it. It wasn’t hers, and she had no right to wield it. She screamed as her body acted, surging forward and striking at the crowd with the sickening weight of both Keyblades. They tore through the Heartless, sending their trapped hearts spiraling upwards to join the abomination Xemnas was building. Every one she brought down to prolong her own life added to its mass, dooming more innocent people to suffer. If she was brave, if she was strong, she would let the Heartless overwhelm her and end the suffering. But her coward body pressed on.

Finally, the waves subsided. She stood in the plaza, panting. They’d barely landed a scratch on her, and she cursed them for it. She turned towards the hooded figure, her last hope, and felt her heart soar when his hood fell back to reveal long silver hair and a black blindfold. She could trust Riku. He would kill her. He was powerful, and so completely devoted to Sora that he would strike her down to wake him up.

The Keyblades still hung heavy in her arms. She raised them in challenge. She would finally die here, but she couldn’t go quietly. It wouldn’t be fair to Roxas. She would fight to preserve the life she stole from him as long as she could, and she would go down in flames. She charged.

They clashed, their Keyblade sparking against each other in the darkness. The wounds from her earlier fight flared in sharp bursts of pain, and she’d been punishing her body at every chance. Even in this state, though, she was evenly matched with Riku, who fell back under the assault from her two weapons. He jumped away, putting a safe distance between them, and Xion stood fast with both Keyblades at the ready.

Riku regarded her for what seemed like an eternity from across the square. She shouted at him, words she barely processed, threats and taunts and curses. _Please_ , she thought. _Please, end this. Take me down. Make it hurt._

Riku took a deep breath, and reached up to his face. Xion glimpsed yellow eyes under the blindfold. Then he was upon her, pressing her back and down, suddenly massive and glowing with darkness. She flailed at him, she screamed, but the shadow at his back clawed at her chest and knocked her to the ground. Massive dark fists came down on her, beating her against the cobblestones. Her bones cracked and her vision went blurry. Pain flooded her body, overwhelming every other sensation. The screaming stopped when the air was pounded out of her lungs. Had dying hurt this much for Roxas?

The attack subsided, and she gasped for air. Her arms could not move. She couldn't feel her legs. Her eyes were open, but her vision was fading. No matter how she struggled, how much the little piece of her that wanted to live screamed in protest, there was nothing left. Her body was finally following her heart into the darkness.

She hoped Axel would be okay.

 

Something woke up in Twilight Town. It had spiky blonde hair and deep blue eyes. It liked sea salt ice cream and sunsets. It had false memories and called itself Roxas. In a week it would be gone.


End file.
